mama cass

why do i feel like crap all the time? even when i feel good, i am still crap. its cuz i'm alone and bored and lazy. maybe if i had the slightest bit of willpower i could get my ass up and do SOMETHING but i'm so unmotivated and lathargic. i dont think i could help myself if my life depended on it. i can't even do things i WANT to do, i'm that disfunctional. its so depressing. that's probably the main difference between me and barbara, she can actually DO things and help herself, while all i can do is sit here feeling bad about myself. i wish i wasn't alone right now.

its ironic, i was listening to "don't let the good times pass you by" as i'm writing this. *sigh*


on another note, anna is soooooooooooooooooooooo thin.. i hardly recognised her. i hope she's ok. i thought about saying something to dustin, but i don't know how to bring it up. i really hope there's nothing wrong.


--------------------update: 8:50--------------------------

I have decided that i AM going to start a small group ministry on campus, that this is my year to do it. ive been looking through the stuff peter gave me and i just watched one of the taped services mom gave me (cried :**} ) and tomorrrow im' going to e-mail amy and ask for some advice on how to organize it. really, i just need the first one to be organized and then the rest will sort of progress naturally from there. this is something i'm going to do and its going to make me feel so much better. about myself, about what i'm doing (or not doing), and my place in the universe. this is going to be a good thing.

jess said the other day that i was the most hardcore UU she knows. i said that i'm a terrible UU, its just still new to me. that's not toally true, i think i'm just into it because it gives me some sort of hope for the world and i love being around other UUs, even if i don't live up to its principles all (most) of the time. Cons/UUs saved my life. or changed it dramatically. i dont know what kind of a person i'd be if i hadn't gone to that duxburry con 5 years ago. damn, i can't believe its been that long!!! it feels like yesterday. in the grand scheme of things, it is.

now i must away to the coffeehouse to be social and keep entertained for a while. i WILL NOT FEEL DOWN WHILE I AM THERE, no matter what, even if i see 10 couples smootching on love seats around me, because... doggoneit, i am good enough, smart enough, and doggoneit, people like me.